Sincerely Yours Forever
by Determined
Summary: In which Sasuke recieves letters from his nin-friends, resulting in rants, sincere answers, and Naruberry pie. Yum! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Sincerely Yours Forevah!

Well, here's the legal version. Enjoy!

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So it has come to my all-knowing, all-seeing attention, that my beloved fan letters through the form of a fanfic have been removed. Flabbergasted, I held my lazy editor by kunai-point, demanding her to upload the chapters once more. The otaku just shrugged, and told me "interactivity between the writer and the reader isn't allowed apparently. Besides, my computer deleted all my old files."

I went up to my Uchiha fan-covered room and sat on my fan-covered bed with its plushy fan-covered pillows, contemplating.

No, not about my family's awesome fans. About what to do.

You see, I've grown accustomed to…(shudder). To actually conversing with rabid fangirls. It's sorta…addictive. Hell knows what'll happen if I don't get my fix.

So I thought. And thought. And thought. And then I fanned myself, while I thought some more.

Finally to break the silence, my brother dearest coughed. "Y'know Sasuke, your editor probably already has a solution."

"Pfht. How could a mere mortal comprehend what the great Sasuke can't?"

"(Sigh.) Just go."

So I visited the Lazy One, and questioned her. "Yeah, I've got a solution." Even more flabbergasted, I listened to my editor's plan. "So basically…you're gonna get all my friends and enemies to write letters to me?"

"Yep."

"And then the reviewers could send in questions that a character could ask, or they could request a character?"

"Yep."

"Wow…that's genius!"

"I know. Okay, I'm gonna go on vacation now, bye!"

". . ."

With nothing to do, I, Sasuke "teh MAN!" Uchiha will organize the first chapter of the Sincerely yours Remix. Now all I gotta do is harass a few people, then we'll have some letters!

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_Dear Sasuke, _

_Hey man, heard you were in need of some letters. _

_Could you do me a favour and check my email for me? Kabuto and me are going grave digging till 9. I'm expecting an important email from Karin. She…um…well, I won't go too much into it. Bye!_

_Yours truly, _

_Itachi._

Dear Itachi,

Congrats bro, you're mah first customer.

Email?! Do I look like some sorta slave to you?! Argh…fine, I'll do it anyway.

…

…

…Wow.

I…never would've guessed you and Karin were…y'know…FRIENDS.

I can't believe you're hanging out with her! What about the "bros before nin-hos" pact we made?! I am _so_ never gonna talk to you again!

Sincerely yours,

Sasuke.

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_Yo Sasuke, _

_Guess what man? I just developed Mangekyo Sharingan by killing Gai. Awesome huh? Well, I'm gonna go now, and Tsukuyomi myself into Iruka's pants! _

_See ya never,_

_Kakashi._

Dear perverted sensei,

Oh gawd. My eyes are burning from the inside with just the thought of your actions. I hope Iruka finds out about this, and drowns you in your own fluids.

Sincerely disgusted,

Sasuke.

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_WHOOOOOO! WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_Guess what Sasuke-kun! Kakashi killed me, the sly fox! Now I'm eternally youthful! Yay! WHOOOOOOOO!! WHOOOOOOO!! Man, I'm really good at this ghost stuff! I just youthfully dropped by to ask you for a teeny favour. Seeing as I'm a ghost, I can't use my dumbbells or my weights anymore, So I'd like you to have them! No need to thank me, my youthful young friend. Just promise to help Lee out once in a while, that handsome devil can get into love problems with the ladies._

_Farwell for now! _

_Gai's ghost._

Dear Gai's ghost,

Hmm, interesting. What might be the value of said exercise equipment? (evil eye glint)

Lee gets into…love problems? Tch. How can you have love problems when there's no one who loves you?

…BURN!

Sincerely your King of Ownage,

Sasuke.

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_Dear BFF, _

_Ummm…not to alarm you or anything, but I've just been captured by the Akatsuki. Could you run down their hideout and rescue me? I'd really appreciate it. Yeah…anytime would do, but preferably now would be great, because…yeah, I think they're trying to kill me…_

_Hopefully alive still, _

_Naruto._

Dearest Naru-chan,

Wow. I leave you alone for _one minute _and look what happens! Don't worry my precious uke! I'm-a coming!

Sincerely your seme,

Sasuke.

_Dear BFF (or not), _

_Hey Sasuke! Good news, you don't have to rescue me anymore! _

_I happened to walk into- well not really walk into per se, Sai burst through the hideout door looking for love, and he just picked me up as a side-quest I guess._

_I was pretty weak from all the mind-numbing torture, so Sai had to carry me all the way to Konoha…afterwards he gave me a back-rub, and helped me take off my clothes for a shower because I was still in a state of shock. Thanks to his care, I regained most of my motor skills! Oh, gotta run, it's time for Sai to feed me dinner. It's hilarious, the guy phails so bad in the kitchen that the only thing he can make is strawberries in whipped cream. Funny, huh?_

_Love, Naruto._

Dearest BFF,

Oh.

Erm, I'm really happy for you. (sniffle)

Excuse me, I have to go angst in my bathroom.

Sincerely heartbroken,

Sasuke.

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_Dear Naruto's ex-BFF, _

_Hello, my adversary. (Smirk) Looks like Naruto seems to favour me more now, doesn't it? Heh…just dropped by to return the Loveless mangas you lent Naru-chan…mines' are in better condition. _

_Smug and smexy,_

_Sai._

Dear ugly rival,

Puh-lease. Naruto doesn't have a clue what your gestures mean, and only thinks of you as his creepy friend. I, on the other hand, am worth training 3 years with a perverted toad man for. Heck, Orochimaru's more likely to do the tango with Tsunade on Zabuza's grave, then Naruto loving you more than me.

Smuger and sassier,

Sasuke.

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Want more? _Need_ more? Then review! And remember, don't send in letters, send in requests!

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	2. Chapter 2

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A/N: Hey-o, sorry for the wait (again)! Well, here the new chappie, courtesy of a plea from **neko-youkai-mimi**. Anyhoo, enjoy, ya non-letter-writing fans!

Thank you to **wingybing**, **paintupurple**, **neko-youkai-mimi**, and anyone I forgot! The requests were hilarious!

For some reason Sasuke has short-term memory loss concerning females…with the exception of Orochimaru. :)

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_Dear retarded little brother whose name escapes me,_

_You'll NEVER, in a MILLION years, guess what happened to me just now._

_So I was like, brushing my glossy, luxurious hair, and then Karin, my supposed BFF, stabs me in the back! Literally! So there I am, bleeding to DEATH, and that weotch, to add insult to injury, begins to HARVEST my blood with a JAR. A FREAKING JAM JAR!! _

_By the time this reaches you, I'll probably be dead, so do me a favour, and reject any letters written in blood, m'kay?_

_Yours truly,_

_(The late) Itachi Uchiha_

Dear Dead Sibling,

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

YES! YES! THANK YOU BETCH! MY AVENGING DAYS ARE OVER!! OH GAWD, THIS IS BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY!

Sincerely LMAO-ing at your misery,

Sasuke, the last- scratch that, second last, Uchiha.

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_Dear Sasuke,_

_ZOMG! Hi! You may not know me, but I was that fangirl from episode 3 with the awesome brown hair! Heh heh…I know, it happened like 5 years ago, but a girl can dream right?! Right!! (claps enthusiastically) So, how's the whole letter-thing going on? I bet you're doing really well! (giggles girlishly) Meep, I have to go and iron my collection of Uchiha-scented socks! Well, bye!_

_Hugs and kisses and pocky-flavoured disses,_

_Sasuke's Number 1 Fangirl._

Dear Sasuke's Number 1 Fangirl,

You're a fangirl, hmm? Obviously, I wouldn't remember you. Tch, I can't even remember the name of that pink-haired girl on my team! What's her name, Zack? Bob?

"…Those are all guy names, retarded lil bro."

"GTFO! Aren't you supposed to be, I dunno, DEAD?!"

Anyway.

Where the Hebi did you get Uchiha-scented socks?! Then again, all of my frilly pink ones have mysteriously disappeared…

Sincerely (not) yours,

Sasuke

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_Dear Smexy Leader,_

_Remember when you told us about the person you hated most in the world? _

_**FLASHBACK**_

KillerBee: You ain't gonna catch me, I move faster than King DeDeDe! Even with a plan, you going down like a bishie from Japan! Respect y'all! WHAT?!

Sasuke: (whispering) I'll Chidori him from the right, Suigetsu will move up from my left and slice him with that big-ass sword of his, if that doesn't work, Jugo smashes the ground on a close-range level near the opponent, with Karin slightly behind him as suppor- oh yeah, my older brother massacred my entire clan a few years back.

Karin, Suigetsu, and Jugo: . . .

Sasuke: So, what's the team formation again?

_**END FLASHBACK**_

_Well guess what?! _

_Over the course of 9 months, I managed to gain enough of his trust to stab him in the back! I mean sure, I could've just thrown one at him 9 months prior, but I like getting to know my victims. (smirk)_

_As a present to you, mah beloved leader, I had the corpse packaged up and sent to you! Please don't touch it with your dainty hands; it'll probably be rotten when it arrives._

_Possessively,_

_Karin_

Dear Karin,

Hmmm…where have I heard that name? Karin, Karin…I hope you're not a girl, but that would explain why I forgot you. For some obscure reason, it's extremely difficult for me to remember girls. I think it's genetics, what will all of the nin-inbreeding goin' on.

Dang, why do I get the strange feeling that I know you from somewhere?! Let's see, Karin…are you my mother? (Is suspicious) I didn't know her name either. (Gasp) you must be Momma! Who else would kill Itachi for me?! (huggles)

Please come over for tea soon Momma! I'll bring tea, cookies, big-ass swords, and a 6-foot llama! I know how much you like llamas!

Sincerely looking over the fact that his mom had suddenly come to life,

Sasuke

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_Hey baby, _

_Guess what's going on tonight! _

_Tsunade invited me to tango on Zabuza's grave. You're welcome to join cutie, the old hag'll tire sooner or later. (Smirk)_

_Snakes on __your__ plane,_

Orochimaru.

(Not-so) Dear Orochimaru,

Tsunade…you…tango…Zabuza's grave…?!

N-n-NARUTOOOO!!

Sincerely running off to check on his honey,

Sasuke

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_Dear BFF,_

_Naruto here! Haven't heard from you in a while, what with your constant angsting. How are you? Recently, I've been waking up super-sore after a night of amnesia, which I usually chalk up to vigorous training. Sai's also been smiling-no, practically beaming, at me a lot lately__. He sure knows how to cheer a guy up! _

_Love,_

_Naruto_

Dearest Naruto,

(twitch) If you ever, and I mean EVER, wake up sore, or even slightly sweaty, please don't hesitate to call me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF FANS, DO NOT HESITATE! Who knows when the sunuvagun'll re-offend!

Sincerely yours (foreverandeverandever),

Sasuke

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_Dear Sasuke-kun,_

_It has come to my attention that your extremely perverted sensei has been, erm, Tsukuyomi-ing himself into my, well, PANTS. _

_I will __**pay**__ you, 12 times as much as an S-rank mission, to beat the crap outta him, I swear to the Hokage._

_Hoping you succeed,_

_Iruka-sensei_

Dear Iruka-sensei,

Consider it done, free of charge.

In fact, as a bonus, everytime I see him I'll throw a rock at him from now on, okay?

"Don't you do that anyway?"

"Seriously Itachi, WTF? You're dead man, stop defying logic with your existence!"

"Whatevs man. Just 'cause my flesh is decomposing, doesn't mean my vocal cords don't work."

"Wait, doesn't it?!"

"Tch, screw you."

I hate my dead/alive/zombie/ninja brother.

Sincerely yours,

Sasuke

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_Dear Sassy,_

_Guess what man?! They're making Full Metal Alchemist Season 2! (Fangasms) Maybe I'll get my flaming awesome job back! What do you think, hn?_

_From the Miniskirt Man,_

_Roy Mustang._

Dear Roy,

FMA season 2?! THERE IS A GAWD! (dance-spazzes)

Time to dust off the old metallic arm and "re-attach" it! 'Tis a shame, I just regenerated in May! (Pout)

Your old job, hn? Yes! Then you'll stop mooching off me, ya lazyarse. Seriously Roy, I can see you from _my room_, eating some Cheetos you stole off of Itachi's body. You don't even know where it's been!

Sincerely disgusted,

Sasuke

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_Dear Sasuke,_

_I know you and my emo bro think alike so, where do you think Gaara hid my eyeliner? _

_Fanning herself,_

_Temari_

Dear Temari,

Let's make this clear, people. I AM NOT EMO. Just because I angst 24/7 over a certain blonde, have taken to black nail polish, forgot how my real voice sounds like because sarcasm has pretty much ruined it, never slept on a dry pillow, and whenever something preppy gets played I'm the first to moan, _does not_ mean I am emo!

It just means I, well, exhibit emo-like tendencies, is all. Yeah, that's it…

As for the eyeliner, he probably concealed it in his gourd. If I were you, I wouldn't even attempt to take it, what with all of the blood sand surrounding it. Unless it was Maybeline, in which I would totally cheer for you.

Sincerely yours,

Sasuke

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Review-hamu!


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